Fifty days ago I was diagnosed with BP. I had the classic droopy non smile, painful earache, watering eye that barely would close and eating and drinking was a bit of a challenge.

So where I am at today with BP? Much better, not fully healed, but much better! I don’t have a full smile yet, I still find it easier to drink with a straw and cut my food into smaller pieces. My eye still gives me issues along with the side of my face and I still have a bit of exhaustion. But, I am much better than where I was! Grateful for this!

BP really did a “number” on me mentally. I had already been in a phase of life called “burnout” and I pray that you never have to experience this. Burnout for me stole my energy, caused major sleep issues, depression, mental status overwhelmed and so many more things I don’t want to share here. Best way to sum it up though – it stole, or I lost, my joy for life. As I have been working through this phase for the past 11 months now, I feel as if I have made significant strides in moving away from burnout and into more of a recovery type of phase. Then BP hits and hits hard!

I have read quite a bit on BP and many experts tend to agree that it may be caused by an infection of some sort, but they also lean heavy towards it stemming from stress. Now, anyone that knows me or has read some of my past blogs, knows that I am involved in ministry as an Executive Pastor for our church. Ministry, like many other careers, can come with a level of joys and stresses all at once and I have definitely had my share of both! Did BP strike due to my burnout, stress in life or was it an infection? Or was it all of the above? Afterall, when your body is stressed, it is not healthy and you may get sick. I don’t really know how I ended up with BP, but I know this – it has made an impact on me – one I didn’t expect.

I am fairly certain that being in the mindset I was in when BP set in, caused me to think much deeper about many more things in my life. Now, I’ll admit that was a bit scary. I was already feeling pretty down about so many things and this did bring me down more, but I do believe it is what God intended to have happen. We all have heard about or have used wording similar to; you have to hit bottom before you can really work on you, get better, make changes, etc. Well, I think – I think, that BP caused me to bottom out with burnout and my overall life. Listen, I have had a very good life up to this point, but we all have some regrets when we look back and I am no different. The “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve” moments all appeared in burnout and BP just added fuel to that raging fire.

Now, I am not ready to share what the battles, the journey, the valley / dessert experiences I have had the past year, but I will in a future blog entry. Today I want to share this truth that I came across while reading a book, In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day, by Mark Batterson. Here is what I read: “how you think about God will determine who you become. You aren’t just the by-product of “nature” and “nurture.” You are a by-product of your God picture. And that internal picture of God determines how you see everything else. Is your view of God so large that all you can think about and see is Him? Or do your problems, life issues, health, addictions, stresses look bigger than Him?

All a matter of perception and I admit I have sadly made my God seem at times too small or I have “kept” Him in a box of sorts. I know better, I really do. I mean if I say that I believe in Him with all of my heart, soul,mind and body and I believe that He created this world and little ol’ me – why would I ever doubt anything else He can, could or might do for me? Yet I have done this and done this too many times. The thoughts of the world and flesh creep in and before you know it, the brain does its thing and God suddenly gets smaller and the problems seem huGE. Yet, God is there, always is, always will be in my life, can be in yours too. But just like a good daddy, He is not going to just step in and protect me from the big bad world, He will allow me to make choices -good or bad and allow me to think about, stew about, get sad, angry, frustrated and more. Allowing me to either do on my own or see that I need help and I cannot be dependent on self or others and I must be dependent on Him.

One last note – this past year has been rough, these past 50 days have been challenging. I have been unkind, testy, short-fused and more with those around me and for this I am very sorry – one of those real moments of “it’s not you – it’s ME.” No, really it has been me! If I have offended you, hurt you in any way – I am deeply sorry.

There are two women in my life who have caught the “dark side” of me at different times and I want to say sorry, but also say thank you for dealing with me, the moods and so much more. Thank you for standing by my side – no matter what. Thank you for having my back in prayer and asking God to help as no one else could. To my one and only mom, you have always been there through it all, showing the strength and love of a mom like no other – thank you. To my best friend of 29 years and the love of my life, my wife Susan, I am not sure of any words that will ever express my gratitude and love – thank you – I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Hmm.. guess this an update PLUS! No apologies here, I am feeling much to excited about the future, my future and the things to come. I am not fully healed from burnout nor BP – but I am on the path to being exactly where God wants me to be. I believe that not only will I be fully healed, but fully restored to do more, write more, read more – all for His Glory – the way it should be.

Thanks for stopping by the Fire,

Pastor Dennis