The world is constantly changing. It doesn’t matter where you are in it, it is changing, everything from the weather to people, its all one giant fluid movement of change. Sometimes we have control over what changes, but then other times we do not, such as the loss of a loved one.

My dad passed away 6 years ago and my mom, well she passed on September 6. I am now experiencing what I believe are to be the biggest changes of my life. I never saw it until recently that I have carried an amazing amount of weight on my shoulders and back that I truly lost who was 35 years ago, I graduated high school then. I was excited, no idea what to expect out of life other than thinking it was time go out and live “it.” Never have figured out what “it” was but hey, here I am.  But that younger me had the energy, excitement and passion for what seemed I could have done anything I wanted. Truth was, I could have, but at 18 I hadn’t thought much about college, other than thinking I couldn’t afford it. Plus, there are other factors, but this isn’t about all of that.

Change…I remember being 19 years old, talking to a friend and his dad about life, love and working. He was telling us a story about how his first interview was and commented that now at the age of 52 he was the store owner. 52, I thought? He is “old.” I am not sure how it happens, but one moment you are running around playing volleyball, bowling and working. And the very next moment, you have been married for 25 years and you (me) are 53 years old! I am old? Well, my 19 yr. old self thought so!

The past 35 years have been full of changes for me. I have managed to move 5 different times, worked in 9 different jobs, owned two businesses, received an AA and BS Degrees, bowled multiple 300 games and 800 series, counseled hundreds of people, gave my life to Christ, volunteered at 5 churches and found the love of my life and now have been married for 25 years. Oh, and she came with a bonus of a kiddo that is simply an amazing adult now.

See, changes happen no matter what! I used to think, a few years ago, I was in “midlife crisis.” HA HA HA! Okay I laughed at myself. I believe it is a real thing and each of us will go through some form of it, maybe not even realizing it. Maybe that would be best, maybe not. Anyway, I really am there. I have walked through a lot of stress over the past 7 years, which led to burn out, which led to many unhealthy things and thoughts.  And with my mom going home to Heaven, my world has once again changed! My little sphere is shaken, spinning, even at times feels like its breaking more than it could. BUT it does not stop. I have had to keep pushing forward and see for the first time clearly – I have been great at taking care of everyone else around me, except me!

Now I won’t bore with you all of my ailments, hahaha. But I will share that being an only child and when your last living parent is no longer here, the feelings of being an orphan or abandoned is very real. All those years of simply knowing your parents are there for you, “just in case,” is no longer at play. It’s you (I) against the world now. I get it, sounds weird, but its where I am at. I am learning that I am not alone at all, my wife is amazing and has stood strongly by my side through this, but part of this journey now is discovering who in the world I am.

My identity, to a point, was found in helping mom and dad. Plus, it’s found in helping the many around me. One reason for this is it is a gift from God, the other reason I believe it became a coping / healing mechanism for me in dealing with my parents many arguments. Now I am not just talking about some loud words, there were things thrown, broken, very loud words and bodily harm. My earliest memory of them fighting was age 5. But all of that is for another blog or future book!

So, the present “old me,” is working on self-care and really defining who I am. Life is far from over and I still have the desire to grow old, maybe 100, and be the old guy with plaid shorts, black socks and flip flops at the beach! I know what a visual! I am changing, so my world is changing, from how I think, what I read, what I believe all the way to eating and exercise. Change…. No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to contain it long enough without it spilling over, forming a river and rushing right through your world…. missing you mom, love you too!

I do know this, at 53 years old, I know my parents were proud of me. I know that my family is proud of me and always there for me. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone -but myself, me, my worse critic, the hardest one to please. But you know what? I’m going to do it. Life is too short. I have done fair in life with handling changes. A friend and mentor from many years ago said that I loved challenge. He was right. But challenge sometimes leads to change a little too fast! But… here I am! Taking the challenges and making the changes!

Thanks for stopping by the fire,

Pastor Dennis

Losing a loved one… never easy and you just never know when it might happen. So, if you get anything from reading this, let it be this:

• YOU are MORE than enough
• YOU are VALUABLE
• YOU are LOVED
• Someone is PROUD of YOU

Hug your loved ones, you just never know….