Greeting cards have all been sent. The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make. A special one for you. Merry Christmas, darling. We’re apart, that’s true….

I am not a Karen Carpenter fan, never was. Growing up mom would play her records quite a bit and especially at Christmas time….

Those words when I hear them on the radio is an instant “change the station now” please. They bring about memories, many not very fond and going into this Christmas season is even more challenging.

Many know that my mom passed away in September. What you may not know is that 6 years ago my dad passed away in November and my mother-in-law passed in December. Christmas?! – “bah – humbug!” At least that’s how it feels currently. I am trying to push through, it isn’t easy, but I am doing it.

Last night I did some Christmas shopping and stopped to look at some “greeting cards” and started to cry. Yes, I am a man and I was crying in a store, no one saw me. There on the rack of cards was a grouping of cards that brought back so many memories; grandpa, grandma, mom, dad, parents. Ugh! Brings tears now. I loved (LOVE) these amazing people that had such an impact on my life. Not just growing up, but my overall life. My grandparents, parents and my in-laws taught me many things, many times without ever speaking. It was in their actions towards others and each other that I watched and learned from too.

Christmas… bah humbug! Well, not so much. I still see the beauty in all of it. I still see the kids getting excited about the thoughts of Santa Claus, elves, and reindeer. I mean who would not? I confess, I have always had a special place for Santa in my heart thanks to my parents and grandma. I still see the excitement of gifts, decorations, and songs. And I still the fun in driving around and looking at others homes all lit up with Christmas lights and such. Plus, I still see that it is a celebration of my Saviors birth.

Yet, something huge is missing this year, my mom. She would go out of her way to help me see Christmas in the smallest different ways. Even as an adult she would help me see through the stress of work, people, etc. But as a kid it wasn’t always about gifts, it was about making cookies and treats. Making Christmas ornaments and snowflakes out of paper for the windows. It was creating memories and we did. Those memories will live on as they are buried deep within me. This year though, this first Christmas without her, well its painful. – Bah? Humbug?

But it is also peaceful and beautiful. You see this year I know that she is not struggling with pain, illness or being in a wheelchair. This Christmas she will be up and around, dancing in Heaven, rejoicing with our Lord. That is a picture that brings tears and JOY! But I deeply miss her, she was my “one and only mom.” (I’ll share about that phrase in the near future)

Giggling here and crying! I just started thinking about the “why” of writing this and now I have no idea! I guess its all part of the journey of healing, at least that is what my counselor (CJ) tells me.

If you have been there, done that or doing this now – walking the journey of losing a loved one, you know its not easy. I will say that in between my tears and anger there are also plenty of times of laughter and life. My most amazing wife has been the biggest help to me. Giving me space when needed, hugging me, holding my hand – she gets me! Seriously, she has been so wonderful through this and has reminded me of the positives and tries to help me focus on the season. Plus, I work with an awesome group of friends at church that have been praying for me as well. I am blessed, no other way to say it.

One day at a time CJ reminds me, one day at a time. Truth, its all anyone can do. There is no point worrying about what is ahead, just deal with the immediate and be present. Maybe even get presents! See, I am still here in fun and sort of Christmas like! Again, though, one day at a time, recognize its normal what I am feeling. Give myself time to rest and heal. I know I will never “get over” losing mom or other family members, but I am learning how to move forward and live and carry on the legacy given to me. These same things I am doing – you can do as well. Remember to surround yourself with people that care and love you, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for that hug, or prayer or shoulder to cry on – its normal and its okay.

So, let me wrap this up…Christmas 2022 not fully “bah – humbug.” Not just “another holiday” either. It is a mix for me, one that I am not quite sure what it really looks like or feels like yet. We have decorated at home and I admit -I did it begrudgingly, but I looked around at everything this morning, I do love it. We have even done some driving to look at lights and we will do more. It’s just a different sort of Christmas…. I think its best to let Mr. Scrooge “Keep Christmas in his own way, and I’ll keep it in mine”

Thanks for stopping by the fire,
Pastor Dennis