I am not even sure if this will make it to the blog or not. I am going to do a run through of the last 10 years – best that I can. So lets see that would be 2011 – the closing of my counseling / coaching office – which I had for almost 8 years, hurt to close it, but best decision as all I was doing was barely breaking even in finances.

My parents were living in Iowa during and not doing the best in health, but I didn’t know that at first. 2012 I embark on training to be a certified bowling pro shop operator and I open the shop the same year. Also in 2012 I would soon discover that mom has had a stroke, dad is depressed – both are declining in health – yet I don’t understand, they aren’t that old. Would soon uncover that we need to move them near home to take care of, depression and addiction to pain killers has done a real number on them! Minor car accident day of leaving town with them, rear ended by a young girl – I have had lower back issues ever since and it didn’t help my wife’s already back / neck issues.

Parents moved in 2012 into their own place. Over there almost every day doing something, taking care of our home, flipping a home and running the pro shop. Get mom into physical rehab, using her wheelchair always – getting to her walk some. Dad depressed – knees are bad, keep trying to move him along, but he is a stubborn man! Finally get him to doctor, needs to lose weight and stop smoking before a knee surgery. Dad angry, but actually tries to stop smoking, but in turn eats more. Then his insurance cancels some coverages for area and dr’s -dad gives up. We would see him pass away in 2016 from cancer at 67 years old. He was a 50 plus year smoker and severely obese.

Mom did okay with rehab, but pretty much refused to walk at home as dad would tell what to do and it drove her crazy. Ends up too that her drug addiction was severe and would almost lose her 2x in a year – once from overdose and the other an infection from poor self care. She would move into assisted living right around the time dad passes away.

2013 as an elder for our church I would take on the monumental task of building project. We built our own building and left the school behind. Grand opening 3-5-17 This was 3 ½ years of on the go and craziness with builders, city, inspections, architects and more. This would include a lawsuit, dad’s death and also my mother in law would pass away one month after my dad.

2016 marks the closing of the pro shop -due to the bowling center I was in closed permanently. I was offered the executive pastor role at church – to begin in Feb 2017 – I accepted this role and I am still currently there.

2017/18 would see my wife going to the hospital by ambulance – 2x with cardiac issues. She was diagnosed with lupus in 2016. She also ended up taking a leave from work due to stress in her role and would eventually return to work after 5 months off and in a new role.

2018/19 – I am feeling that I am burning out and not sure what to do. Had decided to get away and work through only to come back with the plan to resign as XP. But, I couldn’t. Our senior pastor at the same time shares that he has taken another pastorate and will be leaving our church. OUCH! End of 2019 begins pastor search and enter 2020 – the year of covid-19 and an extreme loss of “me.”

2020 – current. Ever want to get tested and in the areas of serving, loving others, etc? The word is ministry. People can be so incredibly unkind – even those that you love and serve. It is truth, its painful to share this – but is also real. Why? Because it doesn’t matter if “Christian” or not, people are not perfect!

Now -so here I am – wounded, stabbed, beaten up, driven, tired, exhausted and more! Watching it pour down rain here in Osage Beach, on sabbatical here, as I sip on a Panera Mocha and wondering just what in the world got me here – reading through the above -I know the what and even the why, but I struggle with the “HOW.” How did I end up here and just what is next?

The first thing that comes to mind, change me. Easier said than done. I am a servant and a doer. I do like to help people, but I do it to the point of unhealthy. I need to learn and set boundaries. But still – that “how” is tough. It exists because of my own failing to recognize my own limits and trying to “be everything to everyone all the time.” Which leads to failure, burnout and loss of oneself. That loss of oneself – is painful. Because for me, I didn’t really see it or it even recognize it until I uttered the words I am in burnout -for real this time.

Now covid and pandemic didn’t help matters at all. One of the few things I still enjoyed was going to a coffee house with a friend and chatting over coffee. That stopped for 12 months! Slowly, so did I. Let’s get this right – self destruction will happen whether you recognize it or not. It will happen in such a way that you will suddenly find yourself “numb” emotionally, very fatigued, snippy with everyone and you still think you are “ok.” 

NOT OKAY! Nowhere near! I am now to the point where I might be having panic attacks, zero energy, little hope, dislike people, no motivation, overall poor health, lose weight, gain weight, sinus pain and headaches and pretty much anything I used to like to do – I don’t! Nothing seems to draw me, not even new movies, books, etc. And I am not the only one that suffers – my bride does too. She has “put up” with this far too long and has no idea how to help or encourage -and I don’t have answers for her. This is MISERABLE place to be. I know I have her support; I know I have my new pastor support and our admin team as well. I also know many are praying – yet I feel – well I feel nothing. Most likely because I dislike people, or maybe I just cannot feel? Time will tell.

This morning I had a great reminder of what Christ endured in his forty days of fasting in the dessert and the temptations thrown at him by the devil.  – “After being baptized by John the Baptist, Jesus was tempted by the devil for 40 days and nights in the Judaean Desert. During this time, Satan came to Jesus and tried to tempt him. Jesus having refused each temptation, Satan then departed and Jesus returned to Galilee to begin his ministry.”

Now I do not believe I have anything special about me to compare to here, but I do feel like I have been in the dessert for sometime now. I haven’t been praying or fasting really, but wandering I can do. AND certainly can share that the devil has been working overtime in the temptations realm and I have caved to some. Not proud, but honest. Nothing huge, but in honesty even the smallest thing leads to a bigger thing or issue.

So, if this is on my blog and you have managed to read this unedited crazy blog to this point -guess what? No big breakthroughs – yet. BUT I do know / recognize I need to begin the following once back home:

• More prayer time alone
• Prayer with wife / devotional.
• Love my wife better
• Boundaries for self, work and family.
• Must schedule office hours.
• Must work out, eat better, begin biking and walking.
• Write more
• Reading for fun
• Stop feeling guilty / stop shaming self.
• Daily bible and devotional time

Need to SIMPLIFY the above….

REST, DEVOTION, SELF = SELF CARE PLAN

Thanks for stopping by the fire,

Pastor Dennis